i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
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I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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