I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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