and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
