I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
