did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
