I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
