I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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