If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
