What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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