You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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