Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
