I'm gonna have a badass scar
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
