I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
