Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
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