and you said cock pushups were impossible
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
