WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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