I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
