My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
