Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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