you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
