life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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