I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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