I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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