i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
