Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
