batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
