I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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