She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
