Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
