If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
