I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
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Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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