I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
