Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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