12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
