Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
