so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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