U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
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