I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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