Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
