I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
