I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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