now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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