sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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