my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
