I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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