:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
