When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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