did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
birth control should be required to get into college
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So. Much. Porn.
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