My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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