i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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