Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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