You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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