i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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