Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
