I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
