if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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