Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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